• 19Aug

    Seriously. I can’t seem to get it together. I have been daily making an effort to write, but I just can’t get a handle on the story I’m trying to revise. I’m just dicking around with it, and not getting anywhere. Can you tell it’s pissing me off?

    I think I’m still recovering from my vacation. Returned to cloudy England from sunny France and am having to force myself to leave the house. And the weather’s not even bad here–it’s just not warm.

    One good thing, actually a very exciting thing, is that Sugahill, a local cafe here in Sydenham, is displaying some of my work. I finally got it all up yesterday and thankfully, none of the photographs are embarrassing to me. I think I feared that once I blew them up they’d look terrible–all their flaws painfully visible in large format. I was actually afraid to open the package from the lab until the day I was supposed to hang them. I just didn’t want to know; I was afraid I’d lose my nerve. But, actually, they please me. We put them up on the walls and they all evoke a kind of mood. They go together, and I think they’re interesting enough to look at over a cup of coffee.

    But, my story is stuck and so I can’t even enjoy the moment.

    And I have so much to DO, and I’m not doing it, and so my blog is getting neglected. It’s the way it has to be for a little while. I have to get some good revisions done this semester. My time at WW is limited, and I will not waste it fucking around online, or even taking pictures. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to take pictures–clearly I can’t help myself–but I have to prioritize. I have to, and I still haven’t told you anything about my vacation. Which was awesome. Maybe my best vacation ever. Maybe that’s why I can’t work. I can’t get over the best vacation I ever had.

  • 26Jul
    Categories: Family life, Me Comments: 10

    Tenth Anniversary, originally uploaded by elladog.

    Yesterday marked 10 years of marriage to my gorgeous sweet man. We celebrated with a night on the town with my soulmate girlfriend and her sweet man. I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. (Photo by Aaryn.)

  • 12Jul
    Categories: Me, writing Comments: 4

    The last class is over, and all that remains is graduation: readings, dinner, the Sweatheart Ball (yes, ’sweat’, not ’sweet’). Tomorrow a long drive and a couple plane rides and I’ll have my sweet chickens back in my arms Monday morning. Not much more to say than that, really.

  • 30Jun
    Categories: Me, writing Comments: 4

    Get ready; here I go, dropping of the face of the earth for a bit. See you on the other side.

  • 23May

    I’ve been catching up on my blog reading the last few days and I wanted to share something I read–something that moved me.

    That’s Bryan. He’s in my writing program and he was the guy in the lecture hall with all the insightful comments. And also the guy at the late-night beer-drinking festivities with the wicked wit. And although I haven’t actually read any of his fiction yet, I suspect that it’s pretty effing fabulous.

    Anyway, Bryan wrote about how he reacted to the death of a friend by avoiding it, and he ended his post by saying how sorry he is.

    I know how he feels.

    A few years ago, Girlish had a pre-school friend whose mother I knew from all the birthday parties we attended together. We weren’t close friends, but our girls were the same ages, in the same class and she and I were pregnant at the same time. We both gave birth to boys in June. We used to chat at birthday parties, and one time I made a joke about smoking pot and she was the only mother standing in the circle who got it. (I make inappropriate jokes at children’s birthday parties; I can’t help myself, and occasionally it pays off with a look like the one Christy gave me that day). We didn’t spend a lot of time together, but I’d had coffee in her kitchen; I’d laughed politely at her husband’s jokes.

    Then, just after our girls started kindergarten at different schools, Christy came to Girlish’s fifth birthday party wearing a wig. She told my mom, who’s a doctor, that she had kidney cancer. Later my mom told me she figured Christy had six months—two or three years at the outside. A couple of months later I took Girlish to Christy’s daughter’s birthday party and noticed a small stack of books about dying on her kitchen counter. That might have been the last time I saw her. Not because she died—it was the last time I saw her because I never called her again.

    How’s that for cowardly? I never even asked her about it. I wanted to know how she was doing; I wanted to offer some words of comfort, maybe, but I couldn’t bear to hear what she might say if I’d have had the nerve to ask her about it. She was my age! We both had little girls just-turned-5, and little boys just over a year. I imagined myself sitting on the end of Girlish’s bed, trying to explain that I would be gone in a while, and that I would never, ever be back. I pictured a photograph of me on my son’s dresser someday and him saying, “Oh, yeah, that’s my mom. I don’t really remember her.”

    I say “I imagined,” and “I pictured,” but the truth is I’m doing that now. At the time, I don’t think I even dared imagine. At least Bryan said prayers. Me, I just shut all of it, and her, out.

    So somehow, reading what he wrote about his friend—although it dredged up memories I might rather not revisit—made me feel just the tiniest bit better. Like my reaction wasn’t so much about me being heartless and self-centered, but about death being scary, particularly when it hits so close to where you’re living. About our fragile, precious time on the planet among the ones we love.

    Would Christy have done better by me than I did by her? Probably. It wouldn’t have taken much, certainly, to be a better friend than the woman who never called you again. I hate that I was probably one of many friends who dropped away when she needed us most. But I like to think now that she might have understood it, that whatever wisdom death brought also allowed her to forgive.

    At least I hope so.

  • 16May

    I’ve just been totally snowed under with with work. Not paid work, of course, but writing stories, because, you know, it’s so lucrative. Happily, though, I completed my semester project last week, and I must say it has been a productive four months. I got along well with my advisor and I racked up four new stories, all in different stages of development. So, although I haven’t been around here, I have been writing, and it has consumed me.

    I was so absorbed that I wasn’t photographing much for awhile either, and those of you who know how obsessed I am with my camera will get that that’s a big deal. I picked it up again, though, and I’m doing some stuff for a friend that’s getting married, and carrying it around with me now that spring is here and I am feeling like there are so many pictures to take. The light here is really crazy, too, because in the summer it stays light until 9 or 10 o’clock at night, and the twilight is long.

    In other news, Boyish’s accent is out. of. control. I’ll add a sound file this week because where before he faded in an out of London talk, and seemed to be acquiring it more gradually, he has all of the sudden begun to sound properly and wholly English. Girlish still speaks English at school and American at home, and Baybish–who barely talks at all–has an accent, too. You should hear her say “Uh-oh.” It’s like: “Uh-ah-oooh,” and when she walks down the street she says “Hiyaaaaaa,” to everyone we pahss.

    I’m tired, people, but I decided I would not let this go another day. I’m going to try doing some shorter posts. I’m going to make myself post shorter so that it won’t seem like such a big deal to check in here. I love doing this, but I get so focused when I’m writing that I can’t do much else. My obsessive personality is a blessing and a curse, I swear.

  • 29Mar
    Categories: Friends, Me Comments: 0

    Seriously. Somehow (knock on wood) I have entered some wonderful period in my life where I am besieged by girlfriends of the most absolutely amazing sort.

    There’s Aaryn, of course, who I always go on and on about (but I surely can’t leave out here), who writes and takes photographs and often thinks the very same thoughts I’m thinking at the very same time. I love her so much it hurts a little bit. This is Aaryn in the freezer at Costco, posing under the cream cheese:

    Ohmygod she rocks my world.

    There is also Mary:

    who I hereafter dub Blonde-ish, at her request. Anyway, I met Mary Blondeish this winter at writing school, in my workshop. Not only is she just pure loveliness to look at, she is a fantastic writer, and an artful correspondent.

    As in: she writes letters. And such pretty ones:

    I came home from our visit to the States in February and a beautiful handmade valentine was in my postbox. We have been corresponding since, and I had forgotten how much I love to play with paper.

    And also? She effing rocks at Scrabble.

    I play Scrabble with Blondeish on Facebook, which is about the only thing I manage to do there. Facebook is weird to me because everything you do is someone else’s idea. There’s a great deal of “gift” sending and game-playing that I’ve tried to participate in but don’t really understand, and generally, I’d rather spend my surf time hanging round the blog-o-cooler.

     

    But there are good reasons to be on Facebook. Here’s one of them:

    That’s (sigh), Kristin. I have had a crush on Kristin for twenty years now. Every time I see the name Kristin, I think of her. I considered naming Babe-ish Kristin, because I love the name and because it reminded me of my long-lost friend. When I saw Gwenyth Paltrow in A Perfect Murder she looked so much like Kristin at 19 that I left the theater just absolutely aching.

    I met her at Mount Holyoke, where I went to college for two years before transferring back to UT Austin. I met her in my second year; she lived down the hall from me in the dorm. She was so cool—I was absolutely dying to be her friend. It felt to me like everyone wanted to be around her, to talk to her. She was a big presence: tall and blonde and usually talking loud about things she hoped you might find shocking or inappropriate. We’d be walking into the dining hall and she’d turn to me and shout something like, “And I told him, get your hand off my boob! And he was such an ass–he had the temerity to suggest I’d invited him to put it there.” And the whole room would get a bit quieter, hoping maybe to hear more. I’d laugh and later go back to my room and look up “temerity.”

    It was amazing to me that she wanted to be my friend. I have never been a popular girl, although in my adolescence I wished desperately to be so, and Kristin’s attentions were what I imagined popularity felt like. Only better.

    We used to go running together. I never could motivate to get out the door, but she would drag me out—and it was easier to go because I wanted to be with her. Then once we’d get going she’d want to quit after 20 minutes or so, and I would make us run further or harder than we’d planned. It was a good system, and by the end of that semester I was in fantastic shape. Like, such good shape that Kristin and I used to admire our naked asses in the full-length mirrors of the dorm bathroom. And go streaking with some regularity. But that’s another post.

    We were in love. Or as in love we could possibly be without some sort of sexual consummation. And it might’ve come to that if Kristin had ever made a pass at me. Or if I hadn’t left.

    I left Mount Holyoke in the middle of that year. At the time, I felt like I had reasons to go, but they sound rather silly if I try to articulate them now. As Christmas approached I remember lying on her bed in her room, brushing a strand of her silky blond hair behind her ear with my pinky as she smiled, so close I could kiss her. I thought, “What will I do when I can’t look at her face every day? What will I do when I can’t touch her hair?”

    I survived, as you can see. But I have regrets.

    Kristin and I found each other again, briefly, while I was in law school, and then lost touch again. After she’d gone I heard from an acquaintance that she had a daughter the same age as mine. I couldn’t find her, but a month or so ago she found me. On Facebook. She lives in Paris, and she’s bringing her girl to London in a month to visit us and I can’t wait. Our eight-year-old daughters have been emailing each other, and it’s so sweet I could just die. Kristin is coming to see me.

    And as if that wasn’t enough, there’s Shana, who I found this summer after losing her post high school. That’s an emotional saga that deserves its own post. She came to see me, too (and helped me bake a birthday cake, and sent me an amazing Christmas present). Here’s us playing paper:

    And NatDawg, an artist, new mother and soulmate of mine whose family just increased exponentially:

    Terese, who finally started blogging (check it out there’s a poem about me), and who I had such an amazing friendship with that they wrote a nationally-syndicated article about women’s friendship that featured us:

    That picture? Was like ¾ of a page in the L.A. Times.

    And then today, TODAY, I got an email from Martha, my best friend from 5th grade who I maintained contact with for years, but lost sometime in college.

    And stupid Deb. And artistic all-around genius Ann. And K-K-K-Katie, of c-c-c-course. And my sister, Sara, who is an absolute rock for me and stands a little apart from all my friends. For the record, she’s my Best Friend, and so I have to mention her here. Also, she’ll get pissed if I don’t.

    Do you see what I mean? It’s downright embarrassing. How did I get so lucky?

  • 03Mar


    For years, I have kept a rock in my pocket. It’s a reassuring presence there, so familiar that when I lost it, I dreamed it was in my hand, and I realized I had memorized the weight of it in my palm, its every curve and groove beneath my searching fingers. It’s lucky; it’s comforting; it’s something I miss when it’s not there, growing warm against my hip.

    I was at a wedding in Riverside when I discovered the rock was missing.

    Only two or three days earlier, I had given my friend a special rock to keep in her pocket, because who doesn’t need a little luck and reassurance, right? And then, in some weird sort of reverse-karma, my magic rock went missing. I spent a fair amount of time looking for it, of course. Turned the hotel room upside down. Fought the vague sense of unease I had for days, not having it in my pocket, where it should be. Before we left California I even asked my mother-in-law to keep an eye out for it.

    “A rock?” she asked, eyebrow raised.

    “A green one,” I told her. “You’ll know if you find it. It looks like it belongs to someone.”

    Meanwhile, my friend kept emailing me, going on and on so sweetly about her new rock, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she’d made me lose mine.  Until yesterday, when I finally confessed. I reassured her, though, that it was a magic rock, that it had gone missing before, but somehow always turned up again. Then I went upstairs to unpack, hoping I would find it.

    I emptied all three suitcases, and put away my clothes.
    No rock.

    Goodlooking sat on the bed, consoling me over the loss. I have other rocks, actually, but none as special as the lost one. I got down the box in my wardrobe where I keep my alternates, and showed the collection to him, so he could help me decide which one to keep in my pocket until my magic rock returned. I spread them out on my dresser, trying to choose. None of them were quite as pretty. None of them were exactly the right size, or that lovely shade of green.

    “General?” he said (that’s what he calls me). “What is this?”

    I turned around, and there, in his hand, it was. He found it on the bed. He just looked down, and saw it, where it hadn’t been before. Now you may say that it fell out of my pants or whatever, but I know the truth: it’s a magic rock.

    And it’s back in my pocket.

  • 28Feb

    Girlish & Grandma, originally uploaded by texasgurl.

    I don’t love L.A. I can admit that what you’ve heard about the weather is true: it’s almost always warm and sunny there. But most beautiful days are spent under pale skies, the horizon obscured by a haze so omnipresent you must love weather more than you love sky not to be bothered by it. On a few clear days in January and February, when you can see the ocean or the skyline in the distance, Los Angeles opens up and feels (almost) like a place I would like to live. Most other days, though, I find it crowded, polluted, and poxed by powerlines and a stripmall aesthetic.

    Los Angeles has one singular redeeming quality for me, though, and it’s not the sunshine. It’s family. Goodlooking’s entire family lives there. His mother and her two siblings, their children, and his three sisters. For five years just after Girlish was born, we lived there, too, and in my life, there have been few things as sweet as watching my children grow in the bosom of a group of people who love them almost as much as I do.

    I have been so happy on our London adventure. Seeing and doing new things, taking photographs, volunteering, traveling to Germany, Spain and France over the last six months. But yesterday morning, after a lovely wedding for Rod’s cousin at the beautiful Mission Inn in Riverside, we left L.A., dragging my thousand-pound heart behind me.

    This visit, Baybish discovered her Grandaddy. She toddled up to him in his favorite kitchen chair where he sits, reading the paper much of the day. She handed him shoes and other interesting objects, or threw toys at his head when he didn’t notice her quickly enough. When she got his attention (which was always) she rewarded him by batting her eyelashes and babbling conversationally. And although I was ready to come back to London yesterday, it broke my heart to take her so far away from him so soon.

    Then, around three a.m. this morning, a jetlagged Boyish crawled into my bed, wide awake and begging to get up and watch Scooby Doo. I kept him close, stroking his back in hopes of soothing him back to sleep. He tossed and turned, pressed his damp cheek against mine, and I asked him, “Are you sweating, Bear, or crying?”

    He rolled over into my chest and sobbed, “I want to see my Grandma!”

    “You’ll see her soon,” I whispered. “She’s coming to visit you soon.”

    “Is she on a plane right now?” he asked.

    It’s hard, see? I’m caught between giving my children the comfort of close family, close by, and the adventure of learning that the world is small and that the place they have in it is—complex. So here I am, pushing 40 with three small children, and still not knowing where I belong. I love the idea of settling down, raising my family in one place, but honestly, I don’t know where that place is, or when we might get there. In the meantime, I can only keep trying to make the most of where I find myself. For all of us.

  • 22Feb

    So, I haven’t told you all but I have new obsession: film photography. It started when my amazing neighbors introduced me to an amazing fashion photographer here in London. She shoots for British Vogue, among other things, and her style—which blew me away—is straight analog. No digital. Her images impressed me for their richness, both in color and texture, as well as their natural lighting. I’ve been wondering about portrait lighting, both in the studio and outside of it, and I had an idea that it was very complex, and since her results were so natural I was anxious to see how it was done. I pictured complex configurations of strobe lights (I don’t even know what strobe is, actually, but I want to know) big translucent umbrellas and softboxes, maybe some of it managed with some unknown program on a computer.

    And I was going to get to see it, right? Because this amazing woman invited me on a photoshoot, which I went to just before I left for the States. And I discovered that the natural “effect” that she had achieved was accomplished by using—go figure—mostly natural light. From a new-fangled contraption that all the photographers are using these days—maybe you’ve heard of it? The window? It’s all the rage. At least in London it is. And can I tell you how much this pleased me?

    It pleased me a great deal.

    So, now I have this vintage medium format camera that I acquired, and I am experimenting with it. I also conned my father-in-law into letting me borrow one of his old 35mm film cameras. It has a sweet little 50/1.4 on it, and I’ve shot three rolls of film so far. I’m hoping to get it developed today or tomorrow. The day I figured out how to work the light meter on that thing was a big day, so I’m not exactly sure what I’ll be getting back, but I’m still looking forward to it. Like Christmas.

    Anyway, I’m headed to San Diego on the train right now (alone—going to see Aaryn one last time while I’m here, and meet her family), and I brought only the film cameras. As I was handling them on the train just now, loading film, shuffling them around in my bag, feeling all affectionate towards their sturdy little bodies, there was a moment where I thought of my D80, packed safely away in my camera bag on the bed back at my in-laws, and I felt a little pang in my heart. I have kept that camera on my person, or damn close by, for over a year now. I have gotten up in the night, more than once, just to confirm its whereabouts so I could sleep. This is the first time I’ve gone anywhere intending to take pictures and left it behind, and I—I feel—sad. Like I have been inconsiderate of a friend who has been nothing but nice to me. Like I have run off with some new friends who are more interesting and exciting in the moment, and left my good loyal friend sitting at home, waiting by the phone for me. I mean, I’m not crying actual tears or anything, but I had a genuinely sad moment, where I worried about my camera’s feelings.

    Seriously.