I don’t love L.A. I can admit that what you’ve heard about the weather is true: it’s almost always warm and sunny there. But most beautiful days are spent under pale skies, the horizon obscured by a haze so omnipresent you must love weather more than you love sky not to be bothered by it. On a few clear days in January and February, when you can see the ocean or the skyline in the distance, Los Angeles opens up and feels (almost) like a place I would like to live. Most other days, though, I find it crowded, polluted, and poxed by powerlines and a stripmall aesthetic.
Los Angeles has one singular redeeming quality for me, though, and it’s not the sunshine. It’s family. Goodlooking’s entire family lives there. His mother and her two siblings, their children, and his three sisters. For five years just after Girlish was born, we lived there, too, and in my life, there have been few things as sweet as watching my children grow in the bosom of a group of people who love them almost as much as I do.
I have been so happy on our London adventure. Seeing and doing new things, taking photographs, volunteering, traveling to Germany, Spain and France over the last six months. But yesterday morning, after a lovely wedding for Rod’s cousin at the beautiful Mission Inn in Riverside, we left L.A., dragging my thousand-pound heart behind me.
This visit, Baybish discovered her Grandaddy. She toddled up to him in his favorite kitchen chair where he sits, reading the paper much of the day. She handed him shoes and other interesting objects, or threw toys at his head when he didn’t notice her quickly enough. When she got his attention (which was always) she rewarded him by batting her eyelashes and babbling conversationally. And although I was ready to come back to London yesterday, it broke my heart to take her so far away from him so soon.
Then, around three a.m. this morning, a jetlagged Boyish crawled into my bed, wide awake and begging to get up and watch Scooby Doo. I kept him close, stroking his back in hopes of soothing him back to sleep. He tossed and turned, pressed his damp cheek against mine, and I asked him, “Are you sweating, Bear, or crying?”
He rolled over into my chest and sobbed, “I want to see my Grandma!”
“You’ll see her soon,” I whispered. “She’s coming to visit you soon.”
“Is she on a plane right now?” he asked.
It’s hard, see? I’m caught between giving my children the comfort of close family, close by, and the adventure of learning that the world is small and that the place they have in it is—complex. So here I am, pushing 40 with three small children, and still not knowing where I belong. I love the idea of settling down, raising my family in one place, but honestly, I don’t know where that place is, or when we might get there. In the meantime, I can only keep trying to make the most of where I find myself. For all of us.
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February 28th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
as small as this world is, as amazing as the internet and webcams and emails and digital photos and transatlantic flights that bend time and space are…
it’s never close enough.
six months is a really rough time in the expat experience. hang in there.
February 29th, 2008 at 9:42 am
I understand the struggle very well. Although I don’t have the Atlantic ocean to contend with, like you do, I still wish me and my kiddo live closer to my family. It’s strange, growing up all I wanted to do was leave Texas. Now I keep thinking about how I get back there.
Your kids are so bright and loving, the relationships they have with G & G, aunts & uncles, cousins will remain deep. I
February 29th, 2008 at 10:42 am
The thing is, Stacy: You belong everywhere!
Beautiful, beautiful post.
Love you very much.
~ax
February 29th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
just wanted to add that the family you have in texas misses you and wants to be close to you and family as well. but i admire you for having such an adventurous spirit and being strong enough to move across the ocean. i am having a hard time moving across the US. i love you.
February 29th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
That was really beautifully written.. and I got to hear your name for the first time thanks to Aaryn:-)
March 7th, 2008 at 2:33 am
Okay, why did seeing “girlish” in the picture with grandma launch Imani into a tirade about how she never gets to go to weddings and is mad at her family for not taking her to weddings? Anyway, love your blog.
March 9th, 2008 at 4:35 am
We miss you guys too! It was almost a year since I had last seen the kids. So, I really enjoyed seeing everyone while you all were in town.
March 10th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Hi, I just wanted to put in my thoughts, and that is, that if you have a loving wonderful family, then you are very fortunate. Having an adventurous spirit is fine, holidays are fine, but it would be good to have a home base near your family. You might find you’ll need the support at some time.
I have two horrible sisters who have sided with my ex-husband, and my own parents are now deceased. All my other ‘family’ live in Croatia, where I have never visited (and I don’t speak the language). Truly, I am now on my own, and with three boys, I’ve learned to develop a beautiful network of friends to replace the family I haven’t got, but gees, it still hurts (my sisters’ betrayal, and having no family).
I think if I had a good family I’d be with them, at least at Christmas.
Good luck whichever way you choose,
Maryanne
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