More from the archives — my man has been at a conference or something every evening this week and I am spent. I have no original or enlightening thoughts for you. At the moment, my three chickens are running in circles around the living room ottoman to the sounds of Madonna’s “Material World.” I cannot think, and so I give you a little ditty I wrote for a writing assignment at the Kenyon Writers’ Workshop a few summers ago.
The assignment was to write an epistolary story in which one of the parties was “The Pottery Enthusiast Newsletter”. And there was also a list of random words that we had to include at least two of for each story we wrote, and we wrote a story a day for five days. For this story I used “fountain pen” and “dictionary”.
Anyway, it’s untitled, and it’s silly, but I like Mrs Parkinson. I may use her again someday.
To: editor@potteryenthusiast.net
From: mparkinson@laposada.com
Subject: refund request
Sent: Wed 5/27/2005 12:32pm
Dear Editor:
I picked up a recent copy of the Poettry Enthusiast Newsletter at Whole Foods Market and was dismayed to find only one poem in the entire newsletter! I have to question the title of your magazine, and find it terribly misleading that you call yourself a poettry “enthusiast,” and yet I found only a single poem in the issue, on the last page, by a Miss Patricia Raintree. While I certainly admire Miss Raintree’s effort, Flannery O’Connor she is not, to say the least.
I write to request a refund of the $1.25 I paid for my copy. I am an old woman who was only recently released from the hospital for a serious condition involving parts too personal to mention, and I am on a very fixed income. It may not seem like a great deal of money to you, but on my budget, every penny counts.
Sincerely,
Millicent Parkinson
1450 La Posada Rd. #22
San Dimeon, CA 95031
To: mparkinson@laposada.com
From: editor@potteryenthusiast.net
Subject: refund request
Sent: Fri 5/29/2005 6:14am
Dear Ms. Parkinson:
I am sorry for your confusion regarding the newsletter, but perhaps you have by now realized that the newsletter is the POTTERY Enthusiast, not the Poettry Enthusiast. Poetry, by the way, is spelled with only one “t”.
While I understand and am sympathetic to your disappointment, The Pottery Enthusiast is a small publication devoted to building community among ceramic artists in the area. Our subscriptions barely cover our printing expenses, and I am simply not in a position to refund your money. Since you purchased it there, perhaps the Whole Foods Market would be able to refund your money.
Best,
Stephen Johanssen
Editor, PEN
To: editor@potteryenthusiast.net
From: mparkinson@laposada.com
Subject: refund request
Sent: Sat 5/30/2005 4:25pm
Dear Mr. Johnson:
I already tried to bring my copy of your newsletter back to Whole Foods but they would not take it as they claim to have some sort of store policy about refunding money for reading material. According to the manager there, the policy is irretrievable.
I would expect that you have a great deal more independence and flexibility than a big corporation like Whole Foods, and could refund my money if you so chose. It is a small amount of money after all, and although I’m sure your newsletter is very important to the ceramical artists in the area, I hardly think it is more important than the health and well being of another human being, also in the community, who suffers from a rare and painful cancer, such as myself. I must ask that you reconsider my request.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Millicent Parkinson
To: editor@potteryenthusiast.net
From: mparkinson@laposada.com
Subject: refund request
Sent: Wed 6/4/2005 12:15pm
Mr. Johnson:
It has been almost a week and I have not heard from you regarding my refund. I do hope that you didn’t attempt to send cash through the mail. Even though the amount is small, it would probably be better to send a check. I am concerned now that the money may have been lost. In case you misplaced it, my address (again) is 1450 La Posada Rd., #22, San Dimeon, CA 95031.
Please do write and let me know the date you sent my refund, so that I may track it down.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Millicent Parkinson
To: mparkinson@laposada.com
From: editor@potteryenthusiast.net
Subject: refund request
Sent: Thu 6/5/2005 7:06am
Ms. Parkinson:
The Pottery Enthusiast is really little more than a personal venture, a labor of love, if you will. There is no checking account attached to it, and therefore I cannot send you a check, for $1.25, or for any amount.
Since you do not wish to receive cash through the mail, perhaps I could offer you one free issue and a reduced-rate subscription to the Pottery Enthusiast? Have you ever considered taking up pottery? It can be very therapeutic for those suffering long-term illness.
Best,
Stephen Johannsen
Editor, PEN
To: editor@potteryenthusiast.net
From: mparkinson@laposada.com
Subject: refund request
Sent: Fri 6/6/2005 12:21pm
Mr. Johnston:
I find it terribly insensitive that you would offer a poor old woman, who suffers from severely dehabilitating arthritis, a subscription to your useless and misleading publication. I have made it abundantly clear that I do not have room in my budget for new hobbies. I wonder if Whole Foods would be interested to know about your very poor record of customer service, and your attempt to swindle me not only out of my $1.25, but also an additional subscription fee?
May I also request that you cease addressing me as “Ms.” Parkinson. I have clearly written “Mrs.” on all our correspondence, but you apparently have not taken note. I was married for 37 years to Mr. Alfred J. Parkinson, and I would appreciate it if you would have the decency to honor his memory.
Please send me my refund immediately. Cash will do fine, but perhaps you should send it certificated mail.
Mrs. Millicent Parkinson
Mrs. Millicent Parkinson VIA CERTIFIED MAIL
1450 La Posada Rd. #22
San Dimeon, CA 95031
Monday June 9, 2005
Mrs. Parkinson:
Let me start by saying that I did not appreciate the threatening tone of your last email. I have an excellent record of customer service, and I have tried to be as accommodating with you as possible. Let me now attempt to make a couple of things “abundantly clear:”
First, the Pottery Enthusiast is a newsletter serving the ceramic arts community in San Dimeon. It is not, and never has been, about poetry. You misread the title when you purchased the newsletter, which is not my fault.
Second, I am not inclined to take money out of my own pocket for your mistake, particularly when you have threatened my reputation, accused me of trying to cheat you, and have addressed me by every conceivable variation of my name except the correct one.
Finally, I have enclosed a recent issue of Marco Polo, which is a lovely poetry magazine I got from a friend. I hope this will meet your poetry-reading needs, and convince you of my good intentions. I have also enclosed a dictionary, which it is clear to me that you could use, and a fountain pen I found in an old desk in my garage.
All the best,
Stephen Johanssen
Editor, PEN
To: editor@marcopolo.org
From: mparkinson@laposada.com
Subject: refund request
Sent: Fri 6/6/2005 12:21pm
Dear Editor:
I picked up a recent copy of Marco Polo magazine at Barnes & Noble and was dismayed to find within it no information whatsoever regarding Marco Polo. I have to question the title of your magazine, and find it terribly misleading that you choose to call it Marco Polo, and yet include within its pages no information about Marco Polo, or any other American explorer for that matter.
Therefore, I write to request a refund of the $7.95 I paid for my copy. I am an old woman who was only recently released from the hospital for a serious condition involving parts too personal to mention, and I am on a very fixed income. It may not seem like a great deal of money to you, but on my budget, every penny counts.
Sincerely,
Millicent Parkinson
1450 La Posada Rd. #22
San Dimeon, CA 95031
