• London Calling

    31May
    Categories: London, Moving, My Daily Struggle, writing Comments: 0


    Overwhelmed, originally uploaded by texasgurl.

    Rod says to me this morning: “If you really want to go to Davis, and they’ll let you back in—I could apply for Barbara’s job. We can stay here—if you really want to.”

    My first reaction is that he doesn’t really mean it, but he prides himself on only saying what he means, and about the only thing that truly makes him angry is when I question his sincerity. So, if he means it, then what? This is what I thought about today as I watched a curtain of watery reflections shimmer in the trees overhanging my swimming pool, as I moved through the rooms of my comfortable house, as I drove to my favorite yoga class.

    What I know is that I have worked for the last few years to find a way to focus—to really focus—on writing. I have taken online classes, attended conferences, spent hours and hours working and reworking my stories, and preparing applications, and dreaming of a time when I would have work to do every day, and people to share it with. Last year I got into three of the six schools I applied to, but I didn’t go. I can explain it to you, but does it matter really, whether they were reasons or excuses? First, there was Marlee. Then London. But what it amounts to is: I haven’t done it.

    So here I am, not taking him up on his offer. Of course I’m not taking him up on it.

    It’s convenient to say that he doesn’t really mean it. Or if he does mean it, that he’ll regret it. It’s convenient to make this his fault, but the truth may be something else entirely. As long as I give up my own dreams so he can pursue his then I’m a good person, right? Delaying the dream another year or two allows me to keep dreaming, to put off any real chance of failure, allows me to keep pretending that it’s not my own lack of discipline or drive that keeps me from writing—it’s circumstances, or timing, or my generous nature.

    But here, now, if I’m truly honest, I have to admit that I want to be up for the adventure. I want to live outside the U.S., I want to see Europe, I want to be—a foreigner. I want to write about it. I hope that the experience will inspire me, and I tell myself that I don’t need a degree to write—I just need to write.

    I just need to write.
    I just need to write.
    I just need to–

    Tags: , ,

  • More Good News

    28May
    Categories: Family life, London, Moving, My Daily Struggle Comments: 0


    Feet, originally uploaded by texasgurl.

    If just one fucking thing would go right. Just one. Is that so much to ask? Really?

    It looks as if we are going to lease our house instead of sell it. Which, if anything has gone right—call it that. We posted an ad on Craigslist and got 3 calls the next day, and a couple more calls as the week went on. We’ve had at least five or six people look at it, and one lovely woman with children who is ready to commit right now. So, (knock on wood) it looks as if we are going to be able to take care of “disposing” of the house while we’re overseas.

    There’s a been a place, a 5-bedroom place that we found on Gumtree in London, that we’ve been talking to the owners about renting. They are a family, somewhat like ours, with three chickens. We sent our little London friend Stephanie over to look at it and she gave it a rave review, but we couldn’t commit until we took care of our house over here. The mother/owner and I have been emailing—they couldn’t get theirs rented; we couldn’t get ours sold. Finally, when it looked like we would have a tenant by the end of the weekend, I emailed her to tell her we would take the place, and when could we get her a deposit? They are traveling in Florida on vacation, so it was a bit tricky to reach her.

    This morning I received her text message:

    Hi we r still in fl. When I last spk to my agent she was signing someone up on tue so once I find out more I will text u. The people were to start contracts from 1st june for 12 months will know more on tue all the best with your place in ca.

    So. I spoke to her on the phone, and apparently they committed to these tenants, and all that’s left is for the guys to sign the lease on Tuesday. There is a sliver of hope—perhaps the guys won’t show up, perhaps they will back out, perhaps, perhaps it will hail silver dollars in my back yard on Tuesday and all my problems will be solved.

    Tags: , ,

  • This Is How I Feel About It

    26May
    Categories: Books, Current Affairs, Television Comments: 0

    I am just so sick and tired of the Democrats’ spinelessness! Why will no one in America stand up and fight for what we’ve lost—what we continue to lose day by day?

    • Habeas—that’s your right to come before the courts when they haul your ass to prison, people. Do you understand what it means to toss that particular right out the window without a peep of protest? That’s the right that stands between you and a prison of undisclosed location, which we have now, for the first time in the history of our country, sidelined.
    • Torture—that’s the thing that we do now, but we used to not do because we’re supposed to be a civilized country with respect for human life and dignity.
    • Privacy—that’s what we you used to have before the government claimed the need to eavesdrop on our phone conversations in the name of “safety.”
    • Choice—that’s the right our Senate ceded to the states in that bit of political theater called Alito’s confirmation hearings.

    Where is our outrage? Why aren’t we marching in the streets, demanding the impeachment of this moron? King George has set us back hundreds of years, economically, culturally and socially, and yet we just sit idly by and watch it happen. And you know, I’m not out there marching, either, and I honestly don’t understand it, except to say that it just feels like, what’s the use of marching alone? And yet most Americans I know feel much like me. Angry. Angry, scared, and dismayed.

    Today, when I heard Al Gore on the radio talking around the fact that he thinks King George’s pants are on fire, and Jimmy Carter on MSNBC backing down from the fact that he possessed the balls—if only for a moment—to say that this Administration was “the worst in history,” I thought, maybe that’s it. Maybe if any of our leaders had the cojones to stand up and speak out, then maybe the people would begin to understand that our country is in crisis. Maybe if our leaders had the courage to take to the streets the people would follow. But the Democratic leadership is too polite for its own good, which is bad enough, but they’re too polite for the good of the country, and I believe we are in need of some good old fashioned bad manners. Everybody keeps acting like what’s going on is reasonable and it’s NOT. It’s simply insane, but we’re all trapped in some bizarre media charade where everyone has their part to play, and no one wants to ruin the show.

    Will somebody besides Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert stand the fuck up, please?

  • Spying

    25May
    Categories: Family life, Moving Comments: 0

    Spying, originally uploaded by texasgurl.

    Sandra is staying with us this week. She moved out of her apartment the week before her final exams because she is going home for the summer, and although she planned to stay with her aunt, I convinced her to stay with us instead. We’re funner, and we live a lot closer to her school.

    I have become so attached to her over these last few months she’s been helping us with the kids, helping us get ready for the move. I wasn’t counting on her leaving for the summer, and having her here in my house all week has made me so sad, because I know if we stayed here I would see her again, here in my house, playing with my kids and entertaining me. First of all, it’s hard to find someone to watch your kids, period. Someone that you trust, that takes good care of them, and someone you don’t mind having around—nevermind actually enjoying their company.

    It took me a while to get up the nerve to hire a babysitter in the first place. When we lived in L.A. we had family to watch the kids. After family, it’s difficult to leave them with someone who loves them less and who you have to pay. When it got desperate, I finally posted an ad on Craigslist, and within a few days I had a few prospects.

    I interviewed two girls, and although I didn’t love either of them, I called the least annoying one a few days later to offer her the job. Too late: she was already working for someone else. So I called the other one, and she, too, had already taken another job. The next time I posted the ad I was ready. I got an email from a girl who had just turned 18, and was looking for babysitting work. Her schedule was wide open, so I called her up and asked her to come over to chat, maybe watch the baby while I was there. Basically, I hired her over the phone.

    I opened the door to a pale young woman with pink hair and wacky striped stockings and dirty Chuck Taylors. She was dressed mostly in black, and although she answered all my questions willingly enough, there was something furtive about her that made me feel old and out of touch, like a schoolteacher, or a cop. But what could I do? I needed help.

    And it might have worked out, had she been more help. The first problem was that she wasn’t very good with the baby. She hardly ever smiled, and rarely spoke, and a few rounds of peek-a-boo seemed to tax the outer limits of her imagination. I couldn’t get comfortable actually leaving her alone with the baby, so the first morning I had to go somewhere I just took her and the baby with me. She made me so nervous that I backed the van out of the garage and right into our other car, which was parked in the driveway. Scraped the entire rear panels of both cars. I had to fire her after that.

    I mean, if I couldn’t leave her alone, and I couldn’t drive her around, what good was she?

    So, again I posted an ad, this time at the local college, in the Child Development department. That’s where I found Sandra. She’s so good I’ve left all three kids with her at once. She likes me—I can tell because she asks me questions about how I had Oliver and Marlee at home with midwives, and tells me stories about her friend’s baby, and how she tries to get her friend to feed her baby table food like Marlee eats. She comes into my office just to chat with me, and calls me up and offers to bring me food on her way over. She’s Thai, and one night she brought her aunt’s homemade Pad Thai sauce over cooked noodles for us. She’s sweet to my kids and laughs at my jokes.

    What am I going to do without her?

    Tags: ,

  • Multi-Tasking

    20May
    Categories: Family life, Motherhood, Moving Comments: 0

    Multi-Tasking, originally uploaded by texasgurl.

    So, this was how last week went. Rod was out of town and I was on my own with the three chickens. It wasn’t horrible, just exhausting. Every morning up with the earliest riser, non-stop in the kitchen making breakfast for 3 (4 if I was lucky enough to eat), then everybody dressed and brushed and backpacked and into the car on time.

    All week long there were trade-offs. My oldest was only late to school once (Monday), but she ate hot lunch all week because I could not for the life of me pull off making a daily sandwich. I managed to let her participate in the school play with daily rehearsals and a performance on Saturday afternoon, dance Saturday morning, and a Brownie induction ceremony Thursday evening, but I totally spaced gymnastics. Gymnastics was Monday, too. But I’m doing it all, right? It sounds impressive, anyway, to me.

    Despite my husband’s absence, I’m feeling better this week about everything. No movement on the house–a lot of traffic but no offers. I’m trying to be patient, but so much is in limbo until it happens. Time marches on, however, and the fact that our days all together as a family in this lovely house in California are numbered. There is much to do before Rod leaves, and having him back here after his trip has really brought that reality home.

    Tags: ,

  • Happy Mothers’ Day

    13May
    Categories: Family life, Moving, My Daily Struggle Comments: 1


    Playground Equipment, originally uploaded by texasgurl.

    Talked to Nat-Dawg today for a good while and it was good to have someone to talk to. I realized there is no one that I can talk to, really, about what I’m dealing with. I’m thinking and thinking about how I can possibly get through all this, and carrying it around with me and I have no way to let it out. I find myself on the verge of tears for no reason every other day or two, and I don’t even know why—I just feel overwhelmed with emotion and my eyes water. Like a crazy person.

    Yesterday my babysitter told me that she’s moving out of her apartment and will study in Sacramento for one more semester. She’s planning to live with her aunt in Roseville and commute to Sac State for classes. And I started fantasizing, like, hmm, if she lived with us, I could give her her own room, and stay here and have help until Christmas. Rod could come visit every 6 weeks or so, and maybe things would turn around on this house, or maybe he would just eventually give up and come home. How long would that take, I wonder? How long could I stand it? Could I eventually rent this house out and move to Texas, get a job there and be close to my family? What the fuck am I talking about? Leaving my husband? Living separate lives? That’s just full-on crazy—I love Rod, and I don’t want to be without him, but I don’t know what we’re doing anymore. I feel like he’s hell-bent on making this happen, and we’re along for the ride. And it’s not a good ride.

    Nothing in this move has gone our way. Nothing that I can think of. First, it’s a lateral move, not a promotion. Second, it’s about the same amount of money he currently makes, but in a more expensive area. Third, the company has not come through with any help on moving expenses. Fourth, our house hasn’t sold. Fifth, we just lowered the price on our house. Sixth, we are essentially paying someone to take our van. Which I don’t even want to sell. Seventh, the Subaru hasn’t sold. Eighth, I still have to put the Benz up for sale, too.

    Ninth, I’m alone with three kids on Mother’s Day.

    Tags: , ,

Blogroll:

Meta:

Recent Posts